How Analytical!

I can’t believe we’re 13 days into 2008 and I have only written one entry.  On the other hand, I have journaled in my personal (not online) journal everyday, which is pretty awesome.  It was one of my resolutions, to write something in my journal everyday, even if it was just a single line saying, “I have nothing to say today”! 

I’m doing something that might be a little strange if you aren’t a list-maker like I am, and perhaps it’s even off the charts for those list-makers out there.  I’ve been thinking a lot about purpose and destiny and what I want to accomplish in my life.  I know I am here for a reason, I know that God reveals the reason as I obey one day at a time - but there’s the analyst in me that wants to know more than that.  Like, what should I be doing right now while I’m looking for a job?  What are my priorities besides finding work?

Anyway, I was watching the show “Numbers” for the first time.  It’s pretty great.  But it got me thinking and this is what I did.  I have made a spreadsheet (no eye rolling, it’s easier than the columns in Word and I have a bit more control, which I like!).  The spreadsheet has these columns:

1. Things I like to do
2. Skills/Gifts I have
3. Areas of interest (with or without skill)
4. Jobs I have wanted (ever)
5. Things I am passionate about
6. Things I want or have wanted to accomplish in my life

After I put the headings on I went down each column and put in everything I could think of in each catagory, trying to make a compilation of all that I’ve ever wanted to do or have excelled at over the course of my life.  That was a lot!  Now I am in the process of color coding.  I am finding major areas, highlighting them and then highlighting anything related or anything that would involve that one thing the same color.  If an item is already highlighted, I put a box with the new color in the cell.  In the end I will be able to look at the list and see what items contain the majority of my skills, desires and passions in my goals column and from there I can make some decisions about what things I should be working on personally now.

I know it sounds crazy but it is giving me a lot of insight into the things that I really want.  Things I never would have thought about being interested in or pursuing, I look at now and say “Wow, I can see where that would be a good fit in my life.”  It’s very revealing and kind of fun, if you like that sort of thing, and I do.

Oh, I did write my first poem of the new year and I will post that a little later on. 

Weight

Hello 2008! 

I’ve been in Wenatchee, WA with my grandma since the 20th of December and just got back the night of the 1st.  Can you imagine 12 days with no computer access?  It was almost worse than caffeine withdrawal! *lol*  I actually gained weight because grandma has a lot of pain in her legs so we really mostly just sat and slept and ate and watched TV for 12 whole days.  My jeans wouldn’t fit at the end of the 12 days.  I couldn’t believe it.

I’m just now getting back to a place where I can move without groaning.  My poor muscles are accusing me of cruel and unusual punishment!  It’s kind of funny and kind of sad and really reinforced how much I need to focus on improving my eating and exercise habits.  Not just because it’s a new year, but because my health depends on it.  There is so much more I want to do that I can’t do just because of my weight and I don’t want that to hold me back any more.

It’s funny.  I used to think that I was overweight in high school but looking at the pictures my friend Julie has shown me, I really wasn’t.  I did gain weight when I got out of school but then I lost a lot pretty rapidly because of some medication a doctor put me on for stomach pain.  I was eating very little and initially wasn’t even exercising and I went from a size 16 to a size 10 in about 45 days.  It wasn’t anything I tried to do, I just wasn’t eating because I wasn’t hungry and my stomach hurt.  After that I started working out, just dancing in my bedroom.  One comment (that I won’t share here) and that’s all it took for me to start gaining weight.  Maybe one day I’ll share this whole story but it was a conscious decision to gain weight.

Later, after I became a Christian, the Lord showed me that I was using my weight as a wall to protect myself and He took me back to the moment I determined in my heart to gain weight and why.  He told me He was my source of protection.  Since then I’ve gone back and forth with the weight issue until spring of 2006 I was down to the lowest weight I’d been at in at least 8 years.  I was at 219 pounds and in a size 16 pants, very comfortably.  I lost the weight by walking a lot because I didn’t have a car.  When I did get a car, I was able to work out for free in a gym in the building I worked in.  Losing the weight was not conscious at all.  I didn’t even know I had lost weight until someone told me.  I went from a 20/22 to a 16 and was clueless.

In October of 2006 I became very sick, struggled breathing, nearly passed out just walking short distances and was on frequent bed rest for several months.  I was out of work and only went to school occassionally because I was on so many drugs.  One doctor would tell me to stay in bed and do nothing, another would tell me to treat physical activity like physical therapy and to try to build my strength back up.  I got to the place I couldn’t walk 10 feet without getting winded and I had gained about 40 of the 70 pounds back that I lost. 

Today, I’m guessing I’m at the highest weight I’ve been at yet.  That might be pushing it but I don’t think so.  Just by the way I feel I know that even if I don’t weight more than I ever have that I am in the worst physical condition of my life and that really bothers me.  By nature I am active and like to do outdoor activities.  I’m not athletic but I love to walk and hike and fish and swim and do those kinds of things.  I’m not disheartened, just determined to do something about this.

There is a chance I will have to have surgery sometime in the next 12 to 18 months unless they find another way to treat the endometriosis that has grown in my lungs and on my diaphragm (yep, it can grow anywhere in the body cavity and has been found as far up as the brain stem - it doesn’t happen often but it does happen) and I have to bee in good shape for that.  I am believing for a complete healing without surgery but at the same time, for my health I am planning to make changes to my lifestyle that help.

What am I doing right now?  I’m training myself.  I keep asking myself, “What would you like to drink?” and then I tell myself, “Water, please.”  I’ve done it over and over again in my head and it’s actually becoming a habit slowly but surely.  Everytime I want a drink I hear myself asking what I want and more and more frequently my response is “water”.  I’m also walking my dad’s dog.  It’s a little rough in West Linn because the hills are intense and steep and I’m not up to that type of walking yet but I’m finding straight places or slight inclines and starting there with him.  He gives me a walking companion that doesn’t complain if I walk slow or have to pause and he never tells anyone either.  That’s a big plus!

 Hmmm…I don’t know for sure why I got into all of that.  It is not where I had planned to go but since I went there I’ll leave it.

Happy new year everyone!

Friends

In High School I had a lot of acquaintances but when I think over the four years there are only a few people who really stand out in my memory.  One of those people is the person who turned me on to blogging, and blogging here.  Her name is Julie and today she put a “plug” for me on her own blog by writing about our relationship.  I have to say that I know how much I treasured her friendship but I didn’t realize how much she treasured mine!

Reading what she wrote brought back good memories and also showed me how easy it is for people, at any age, to be so wrapped up in what is going on in our own lives that we don’t bother to see what is going on in the lives of those near to us.  A lot of high school is a blur to me…some of it is just non-existent…for reasons I may or may not write about here at some point but I do remember two things very clearly - Julie’s presence and her absence. 

We were very close.  She was an anchor to me in the midst of a raging storm even though she never knew it until recently and the times we shared in our Freshman and Sophomore years were awesome.  She was an incredible inspiration to me.  She was so artistic and drew one of the most beautiful pictures of Jesus I have ever seen.  I actually think I might still have that picture somewhere, though I’ve lost a lot over the years.  Her heart for God was a constant and even when I drifted one way or another she was consistent and planted seeds of faith and hope in my heart that are a big part of who I am now.

In her blog she says that I talked her into an Advanced Lit class.  I remember the Lit class, I don’t remember talking her into taking it.  hmmm  I think it was a mutual decision because we wanted to be in the same classes together but I could EASILY be wrong there.  Really, trust her version of the story on that. LOL  I do remember both of us acing the class.  Her blog makes it sound like she wasn’t a great student and I guess I don’t know a lot about that.  She was (and still is) very intelligent with a great sense of humor and amazing insight into people and their lives.  I remember our bench! *rofl* reading that sentence brought a lot of memories back to me.  Oh my gosh.  We had a bench and it was definitely ours.  We knew where to find one another and when.  That was pretty great.

 I also remember when she wasn’t there as much and eventually not at all.  It didn’t happen all at once, it was like one of those movie tricks where they fade out of one scene to transition into another but I do know it was not a transition I wanted, but one I didn’t do anything to try and stop or slow down.  I remember very clearly missing her, a lot.  I remember wondering what things were happening that were taking her away but I don’t recall asking her or trying to get her to talk about it.  Maybe I did, but I just kind of let go and didn’t even realize I had done it.

Julie never left my thoughts.  In my heart she was one of my dearest friends and would be forever.  That’s just how it was.  We had an unspoken understanding I think.  Our senior year was rough on both of us, for different reasons.  I only took half a day of classes and really wasn’t involved in anything because I left immediately after school and went to work and also had a business of my own.  Julie worked too and wasn’t there a lot either so we hardly ever saw each other at all.  I think the last time I saw her was when we graduated in 1989.  (yeah, I know I’m dating myself with that! oh well!)

Since then I have thought about her, wondered about her, prayed for her, remembered little things she did and wondered if I would ever see her again.  I tried to find her and actually did find her in 1992 but it was MUCH better that we didn’t connect then.  I was in a bad place and it would not have been a good thing for our relationship.  Instead I went my way and she went hers but I never, ever forgot her.  I’ve moved across the country twice and over the past year God has repeatedly promised me restoration and I’m seeing it - in family relationships and by bringing my friend back into my life.

You know, I’ve wondered about why people blog and I still have my hesitations for personal reasons but I can read Julie’s blog going back a pretty long time and I feel so close to her.  As if, by blogging (which I know she does for other reasons), she has opened a door for us to pick up as if we had never left off and I am a part of her life again in a very real and special way.  I know what her kids names are and how they look, I know about her marriage and her life.  That kind of vulnerability is so amazing and it is a gift I am very thankful for.  I won’t put the link to her blog here because I forgot to ask her if it was okay before I wrote all this stuff about her but once I find out if it’s okay I’ll definitely put it down because I think what she has to say is an encouragement for anyone out there trying to live the Christian life in the ordinary, every day things…and, of course, it would be my chance to introduce everyone who reads what I write to my friend.

Julie - if you’re reading this, and I know you are, thanks for still being there!

Gods Alabaster Box

I am in the process of taking all my old,  handwritten journals and typing them onto the computer.  It’s quite a task.  So far I’ve found journals going back to the late 70’s.  Since I was born in 1970 those are quite interesting to me!   Anyway, today I was working on some from the summer of 2006 and one entry has been floundering around in my mind since I typed it.

One of my favorite passages of scripture regarding worship is Mark 14:3.  To paraphrase, a woman who was known to be a sinner (probably a prostitute) brought an alabaster vial of pure nard (a very expensive perfume, probably worth at least a full years wages in that time); broke it and poured the perfume over Jesus, anointing Him as an act of love and worship.  I love this passage because it speaks of giving our best to God, of pour ourselves out for Him and holding nothing back.  This woman probably didn’t have five or ten alabaster vials of this perfume stashed in her house somewhere.  Odds are it was all that she had and she didn’t just come and carefully pour it on Jesus - she broke the alabaster vial and let it all pour out. It was as if she wanted to make sure that every single drop in there was given to Him.

Throughout my Christian walk this passage of scripture has come back to me for different reasons.  I’ve been giving the only money I had (a quarter in one instance) and I saw an image of the offering bucket turning into a cloud over the throne of Jesus and that quarter turning into refreshing rain poured out upon Him.  It was my best.  It may not have been much but I felt like God was showing me that my giving was just as precious to Him as the perfume in the alabaster vial was.  Other times I’ve been singing Him songs from my heart and suddenly I could see the words turning into fragrant oil and raining down on His face, anointing Him with my praise and worship.  Again, my giving pleased Him.

This particular instance though, I was worshipping and pondering the woman with the alabaster box and I felt like the Lord spoke to my heart and said - “I gave My alabaster box too.”  I was shocked.  God had an alabaster box?  How?  And why would He have to give it?  Then He showed me Jesus.  There is only one Jesus.  The only begotten Son of God.  He was the very best that God had and His coming was reserved until the perfect time.  His body was broken, just like the alabaster vial.  His blood spilled, like the costly perfume, to cover the sins of every individual in every generation from the beginning of time to the end of time.  When He rose from the dead in victory the whole world was filled with the fragrance of life, just like the fragrance of the perfume must have risen in that house and filled it with it’s beauty and sacrifice.

2nd Corinthians 2:14-16 says “But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place.  For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing; to the one an aroma from death to death, to the other an aroma from life to life And who is adequate for these things?”

John 3:16 says that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son….  Just like the woman with the alabaster vial gave the only thing she had that was good enough for her Savior; God Himself gave the only thing that was good enough to save us and bring us back to Him.  Not smelling of sin and death but smelling of life and righteousness.

This Christmas many of us will be giving gifts to one another but I hope we all take the time to remember the original giver of every good and perfect gift and give Him something in return.  My pastor once asked a question that is resounding in my heart even as I write this:  “What gifts do you bring the King?”

Merry Christmas!  May all who read this know the fragrance of the life and victory of Christ.

Ask and You Shall Receive

I decided that to get my feet wet in blogging I would start with writing some of the things God has done in my life.  This particular instance is short but it meant a whole lot to me.

 In 2005 God told me to move from Washington state to Tampa Florida to finish Bible School.  It was rather sudden and I didn’t have any money saved up but there was a sense of urgency about getting there for that particular school year (I’ll share about that in another post).  Since it was a “suddenly” I didn’t have any money saved up so it was a complete step of faith.  Before I left God gave me a scripture passage that saw me through.  It was Matthew 6:25-34

 25“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  26“Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?  27“And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?  28“And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,  29yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.  30“But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!  31“Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’  32“For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.   33“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  34“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I read this scripture several times a day and reminded myself repeatedly that His Word is always true no matter what our circumstances may look like.  I have many testimonies of God’s great faithfulness in this time but the one that keeps coming to my mind is this:

I had been living off vending machine food; usually a bag of chips, a snickers bar and a coke but I was always satisfied.  Still, I was craving “real food”.  That particular afternoon on the way to school I was talking to God and told Him that I really wanted an apple.  I didn’t think anything of it and I wasn’t really asking, I was just telling Him what sounded good.  Well, I got to school and a future best friend came up to me and said that she had brought two apples to school and she felt like the second one was supposed to be for me.  I was blown away and had to try not to cry.  She told me that she normally just brings one but that particular day she felt like she was supposed to bring two, and when she saw me she knew in her heart it was for me.  Later I told her about talking to God about wanting an apple and she laughed and told me she had thought it was kind of silly and she almost didn’t offer it to me but she was very glad she did.  So was I! It showed me for certain that God heard me and would take care of me no matter how big or small the need was.

Looking back I am amazed, because He had to tell Stephanie to grab that apple before I ever asked for it just like He says in Isaiah 65:24 “It will also come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear.”

I know so many people who think that God is too busy to “bother” with little things like giving His daughter an apple because she wants one and it makes me sad because those people miss out on so much.  It challenges me because I never want to make such an immense God so small that He can’t do the little things.  He cares and He delights in caring if we will just give Him the opportunity.

New Day, New Name

I was born Angela Dawn.  I loved the name, Angel of the Morning.  A lot of people I knew, particularly kids growing up, talked about how they would love to change their name but I was not one of them.  My name was fine with me, it was mine.

I gave my life to Christ in January of 1998 and Jesus radically changed me on the inside.  In April of 1998 I went to a Women’s Retreat at Cannon Beach, OR with my church.  That in and of itself was a sign I had changed because I never would have even considered spending a whole weekend with a bunch of women  before.  At the retreat we had something they called “Jesus and Me” time.  It was an hour where we could have a pen, paper and a Bible if we wanted but nothing else and we could not talk to anyone or even be within twenty feet of any other person from the retreat.  The whole idea was just the time to be quiet and be with Jesus and listen to Him, something most of us don’t do very often.

I started the time off not really being quiet, I just worshipped God with some of the new songs I was learning.  Then I sat down on a piece of driftwood and listened to the ocean against the shore.  I wrote a couple poems, just sharing my heart with the Lord and then I heard, “I have a new name for you.”  There was no thunder or anything and when I looked around no one was even close to me.  I knew it was God but even being that certain of it I was afraid to tell anyone.  Does anyone really “hear” from God like that?  I didn’t know and I was too new a Christian to know who to ask so I just wrote it in my journal and left it at that.

In December of 1999 I was having a time of prayer with friends and one of them said, “I feel like God is telling me to tell you that He has not forgotten His promise to give you a new name.  The name will mean freedom and will represent everything you are in Christ.  It will be the cornerstone of your ministry.”  I was blown away.  I had not told anyone about that day, no one knew.  Deep down, I knew that it was the Lord confirming that I had heard Him that day, that He does speak to us and that we will hear Him if we will listen.  I still didn’t tell anyone, I just wrote it down in my journal and left it.  If it was a promise from God then God would have to do it without my help.

I was baptized in water in February of 2000.  When I came out of the water I felt completely changed, like a brand new person.  There was power in it, it wasn’t just something I had to do.  Inside felt fresh and clean and new - as if I really had died and been buried and raised again with Christ.  It was amazing!  I know that the moment we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior we become a new creation and our salvation isn’t based on baptism, but there was something amazing that happened inside of me that day.  It was almost as if there was a line drawn in the sand of my life and it marked a new beginning for me.

The very next day I was talking to friends and one of them stood up and said, “I’ll be right back” and headed to the office in the apartment.  I knew the moment they stood up that I was about to get my new name.  Nothing was said, I just knew it.  And I was right - when they came out they handed me a piece of paper with “Anysia Derora” written on it.  I didn’t care at the time what it meant but I knew it was God and I was amazed.  Actually, what it means is important - Anysia is Greek and means complete or completely and Derora is Hebrew and means free or freedom so my name means Complete Freedom or Completely Free - just like the promise from the prayer meeting a few months before.  And, since my passion is helping people find healing, wholeness and freedom in Christ the name was perfect.

I didn’t change my name legally right away.  I did tell people about it, but it was a whole lot to consider.  What would my family think and feel was my primary concern.  I didn’t want them to think I was deserting them or that the name I had been given wasn’t good enough for me, or that I had become a part of a cult.  So many things to consider.  I prayed and prayed and prayed and finally I knew I had to either accept what God was giving me or not and so I did - I had my name changed legally and told my family.

It’s amazing to me when I think about it because now, every time someone calls me by my name they are declaring the promise of God to me - that I will know complete freedom in Christ and that I will help others find the same thing even as I do.  Sometimes I forget the incredible gift that my name is as I go through the days where nothing spectacular seems to be happening but then I’m reminded that God is even in the little things and my name is a constant reminder of His presence in my life.

Today

Yesterday is done and gone

I need more of You today

fresh oil and new wine

a new touch in a new way

 

I won’t forget all that You’ve done

but Lord I’m not satisfied

I need more of Your rain today

to saturate my life.

 

Yesterday was wonderful

wrapped in Your love and glory

but yesterday is gone now

and today is a new story

 

Take me to the next level

take me deeper in Your love

Yesterday’s anointing was fine for then

but today it’s not enough

 

I come before You on this day

singing a new song of praise

thanking You for yesterday

and seeking You today!

 

Copyright Anysia Derora

My Desire

Lord I want to worship You

with my very life

to lift You up in all I do

in every word I write

 

I praise You, I adore You

You are my all in all

You are Great, my Savior

You hear me when I call

 

Lord, I long for more of You

in all I say and do

for my life to be a sacrifice

bringing honor unto You

 

More and more I desire

Your ways to become mine

I long to remain in the secret place

now and for all time

 

Lord send Your holy Fire

make more room for You in me

so that my life will lift You up

and declare Your majesty.

 

Copyright Anysia Derora