Last Thursday I surgery to help me breathe through my nose. It has been somewhat miserable in a lot of ways. At first I had determined that I would work from home during this week of recovery. For various reasons I have been unable to do that but it has been very, very good for me. There has been a growing frustration in my heart that I am not exactly where I should be with God. I can’t explain it better than that. I haven’t been living in sin but there is an intimacy that is missing in my relationship with Him and I miss it. Unfortunately, I haven’t missed it enough to do anything about it. As the days have progressed I’ve realized that a part of what is wrong in my heart is that I just don’t know what it is I should be doing. I’m always doing something and it drives me crazy to feel like I’m in limbo. I’ve felt like I’ve been somewhat in limbo since I moved back from Florida even though I don’t feel like that was the wrong thing to do.
I am reminded time and again that I don’t always have to be doing something, that I can just have a season of loving God and growing in relationship with Him. If that is what I have been supposed to be doing then I haven’t done a very good job of it and so I’ve been feeling a lot of self pity. What should I do? Where should I be? Where do I fit? What is my purpose? What is my calling? Why do I feel this way? and on and on and on. It’s been quite the pity party.
Still, the past few days I’ve been trying to really listen and pay attention to the Lord. Not just asking others to pray but talking to Him and being quiet, waiting. One of the things I felt Him speaking to my heart yesterday was this – “You don’t have to go back and fix anything or go back and try to finish anything. This is a new day and it is not about what could have or should have been done before now, it’s all about now and what you do today. There is nothing I am waiting for you to go back and make right or complete. It’s time to just live.” Those were not the exact words but it was a very strong impression and a huge relief. I’ve done crazy things like made lists of all the things I’ve started and never finished and then vowed to go through and finish them all. I’ve spent time regretting what I could have done or should have done at other times. I’ve wasted so much time wishing I had done things differently and looking for ways to alter a past that can’t be changed and suddenly I felt like God was giving me a brand new lease on life. It was as if He was saying “Today is a new day and yesterday is done and gone. Live for today. Give Me your gifts and your life today. Let’s move forward with passion and purpose.” And somehow I’ve felt free to do that. It was a huge relief, like a weight off my shoulders to know that God was not waiting for me to go back and somehow fix all I had done wrong or make up for lost time. That would be a lot of work that would not bare fruit. Instead He was asking me simply to acknowledge today and do my best with what I have now.
I’m seriously considering taking some writing courses with the Christian Writers Guild. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I’m going to wait to make the commitment until I’m off pain meds but this is something I really want to do. I am a writer. I love to write. I’ve been told by other ministers that God has called me to minister with the words He’s given me and I’ve seen that work itself out the times I have been obedient to take the time to write. I believe God is giving me a fresh focus and a way to start each day new and I am so thankful that with Him every day really is a new day, a chance to draw a line in the sand and say “I start now.”
I’m thankful to have a God like that.
