God has an interesting way of working in my life – probably in most people’s, but I can only speak for my own. When I returned to Oregon from 2 years in Florida finishing Bible School, I expected to live with my parents for a month at the most. I expected to have a job quickly, and an apartment quickly, to find the right church and to be settled and moving forward without a break in the stride I thought He would want of me. Instead, I’ve been with my parents nearly a year. I didn’t even get my first temp job until February and then my first permanent position in June. Then I found out that because I have been working as a temp for so long and because of some things on my credit record that are disputed but ugly none the less, that I cannot get into an apartment even though I make plenty of money to do so. It has been frustrating in some ways but God is giving me rest.
Then I found a church that i thought was where God wanted me but something in my heart kept holding me back. I thought it was fear of getting involved but that didn’t make sense since I so desperately wanted to be involved somewhere. That’s when it happened. I get a prophetic newsletter and one day it came and spoke of letting go of the pain and bitterness of the past and moving forward in the wisdom of what I learned rather than being held back by the pain of a past I couldn’t change. That struck me very hard. I realized that I had avoided Vancouver like a plague. That when I crossed the bridge the fear was almost numbing. I was afraid of bumping into some people that had really hurt me. What I didn’t realize was that it was not just fear but anger at them and bitterness. By admitting that I was able to forgive them, again (contrary to popular belief forgiveness is not just a one time incident but is often an on-going process) and asking God to forgive me for holding on to this bitterness and anger. When I was willing to admit my own feelings and let go of the past – I found that I had truly learned a lot from the painful experience and that it was wisdom I could certainly use going forward.
Later that same day I received a message on Facebook from someone from the church I went to before I moved back to Florida. In the e-mail it mentioned something about “City Harvest people” and my heart was filled with longing. I realized that my heart and mine were with City Harvest. That I believed in what they believed in and that my heart was joined to the vision of that church but because of my fear of going to Vancouver and the fear that people would ask me about this couple that had hurt me I just decided God didn’t want me to go there. I was wrong and I knew it immediately.
Again, I prayed and thanked God for what He was doing. For finally helping me to see where He wanted me. He is so patient and I appreciate His lovingkindness beyond words.
The very next morning I was standing at the bus stop and I heard very clearly “Step out in faith, in the face of fear.” I thought it was odd because now that it was settled in my heart that God wanted me at City Harvest I felt peace but I held on to the word because I knew it was not for nothing that He had spoken it to me. A few days later He spoke it to me again during a prayer meeting, as a word for the church. But it was that next weekend when I discovered that an old friend was going to City Harvest that I understood why God had spoken the word to me. She had also had a relationship with this couple, though she and I had been friends first. Many things happened to breach our relationship and our trust of one another. Still I had this knowing and trust that God knew she was there before He told me to go back and if that was the case then everything was in His perfect control and I could trust Him to do in my life whatever it was He was after regardless of who was or was not attending the same church.
I’ve only been back three weeks and this morning I found myself struggling with whether or not to go to church. It was a hard thing to struggle with but He gave me two very clear words – “step out in faith, in the face of fear” and a scripture where He was talking about not doing your own will and pleasing your own flesh on the Sabbath but honoring the Sabbath as He said and I realized that God wanted me to go to church despite my feelings, despite being tired in order to honor Him and in doing so I would prove myself faithful in the little things. It was a great service and I needed the worship time and the Word that was given. How great is our God to even remind us what He wants from us when we are so forgetful and fast to do what is most comfortable to us.
He is great and amazing and I am thankful for His leading and guiding, for His faithfulness and the way He never lets me go.
